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To live or not to live, that is the question

Shortly after I got my initial stage 4 cancer diagnosis I received a package in the mail. It was something I had ordered, I believe it was shoes and the thought that came into my head was “Well that’s a waste.” I literally felt that spending money on myself was stupid because I probably wouldn’t be here that much longer anyway... (If you have read any of my other posts, I believe I have already established how emo I can be). In reality nobody knows how much time they have, getting a diagnosis can be a mixed bag. Yes, being told that your own cells are having a free for all in your body is shocking and horrific but this information can make you really figure out what is important to you and also who you are important to. Cutting the bullshit and accepting love is key for me. Anyone of us can have our number punched by an aneurysm or a bus so we might as well live while we are here. That being said, some days are filled with drug fueled napping and America’s Next Top Model marathons where the only company I keep is my dogs and mildly offensive body odor from night sweats and the lack of energy to bathe. Those are not all the days though and it is best to try and remember that when you/I are in them. Today was the first day in over a week that I was not at least mildly high and in pain. I actually went to lunch with a good friend, was able to sit up in the car instead of lay on my side due to butt pain, worked on a really fun animal portrait and spoke to several friends on the phone. Today was a good day. THIS is something to build on, to remind myself that good days are possible again. If you can dream it you can be it! Rah rah and amen! Keep living as long as you are alive and I will too. Pinky swear until next time, I have a belly dance performance to prepare for, ha!

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Jan 14, 2020

We just live every day that we have. A friend of a friend died suddenly in his sleep a couple of weeks ago. Total shock to everyone! We are all dependent on the universe for that very next breath. Thank you so much for using some of your precious breath and energy to inspire and support us. Also, I may need an animal portrait done when you are feeling up to it! Love you and think of you every day :-)

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