If I stay really still maybe I will keep feeling good…
I keep knocking on wood because the other shoe has not dropped and I am continually feeling better. I want to believe that this is not fleeting, I have had periods during this cancer situation where I did feel better but this seems different and I question myself about it constantly “DOES this feel different?” I believe it does… “Is this wishful thinking?” I certainly hope it isn’t… The mind fuckery that happens makes me feel unsettled and a little anxious, I have been fooled before. It is definitely an exercise in appreciating how I feel in the moment, which I find myself interrupting with “buts,” as in “But what if this all goes away tomorrow?” Or “But what if the scan shows that I have even more cancer?” I shared the video I made of myself singing karaoke with my clinical trial nurse and here is the card I received:
Melissa’s handwritten message made me cry and I felt the pressure to continue to feel better, I know that sounds weird but I really don’t want to let anyone down, even if by doing so the real loser is me. Yoda would say “Oh yes, the codependency is strong in this one, mmmmmm hmmmm…”
I have been practicing on my bass guitar almost every day for a couple of weeks so far. This is a good way to stay present, the moment I start thinking, my fingers stutter on the strings making awful thudding sounds, a good reminder to mute the mind noise. I really hope I get good at this instrument, it would be so cool to be able to actually jam with other people, I have always wanted to be in a band, stage 4 cancer and middle age be damned, I still have dreams!
I am to this day, seeping primordial ooze intermittently, this could be the reason I make up imaginary quotes by Yoda, Dagoba is literally leaking out of me “Better out than in, hmmmmmm?” Even though I feel a Luke Skywalker type whine pushing against my lips I answer “Yes Master Yoda.” The force is definitely in me AND out of me.
Until next time ❤️