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The sun will come out tomorrow…Maybe.

Tomorrow I will have a CT scan, the first since starting the clinical trial. I will see my oncologist on Monday when I spend the whole day getting blood drawn for the study and I will find out what the latest data means. I am kind of excited to find out the results of this scan…I am a little anxious as well but am really hoping for good news due to my last tumor marker results and the way I have been feeling so much better, like Fox Mulder, I want to believe.

In China it is customary to not tell people that they have cancer, doctors often tell the family first and it is up to said family whether or not the diseased relative should be told of their diagnosis. I have mixed feelings about this myself. Even though I was informed that I had cancer, initially I did not want to know what my prognosis was, electing to have my husband keep that information to himself and those of our closest supporters until I was ready to take on that news. I can see the benefit of not knowing how dire a situation is, I think it can be an asset being kept oblivious as weird as that may sound. Not knowing is easier than having to deal with the opinions of those that may not align with yours, when battle is referred to in disease I think this term is more appropriate in regards to dealing with perceived expectations that can be thrust upon you by others, whether by people in authority positions or a neighbor that learns of your situation and wants to know a definitive outcome that you have been assigned by the doctors and 5 year old statistics. The opinions of others can skew one’s own perspective making things feel murky and confusing and gumming up the works in a way. It is more challenging to heal when people are telling you it isn’t possible but I have accepted the challenge and whatever my outcome may be I am continuing to learn new things and find life interesting even through the more unpleasant times.

A couple of mushroom journeys ago the message I received was that there is no pleasure without pain and though I realize that can be a statement one might hear in a dungeon, huskily yet authoritatively whispered by an Amazonian dominatrix who’s boot is placed on their neck, there is also truth in it. I have not enjoyed some of the miserable times in my life thus far but due to those experiences I have immense gratitude for the periods of ease.

I am grateful right now.

Until next time ❤️

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04 de mar. de 2022

You've got this. Sending hugs.

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