I saw my oncologist today and she came into the room and asked me how I was doing. “ I don’t know, how am I doing?” I think I said, or at least thought. She told me that I am stable and my numbers are all good “So nothing shrank?” I asked, disappointed. My doctor started telling me science things about progression vs stability “If the cancer is still there but not growing, that’s good!” I can see her point but I want more, I want my body to attain balance, I want the cancer cells to die and be replaced with healthy cells. My doctor said that this treatment is good and that it will keep me stable until the next thing comes around but until then my stability as boring as it may seem is good, she likes boring. I felt a bit of sadness seep into me with that statement “Until the next thing comes along…” I spent so many years staying away from the medical system only to be sucked into it like a dinosaur in a tar pit or like that kid in “A Christmas Story” who sticks his tongue to a metal pole “Stuck…Stuck…STUCK!” Don’t get me wrong, if the price I must pay to feel this much better is taking this targeted therapy and seeing my doctor who I truly love, on a regular basis, okay but I still want more or ideally less. The idea of waking up without having to remember my schedule of various doctor appointments would be heavenly. To think back to having active cancer as a distant memory is a dream. That’s all on that. For now I shall be content enough to be a bore I guess…Blergh, god damn it, FINE …🙄
Yesterday I got to do a photo shoot with some of my hussies for the first time in 3 years. My friend who photographed the Mad Max Fury Road inspired photo shoot has been urging me to set something up again and when I started feeling better, I did. The theme was girl rock band, though I will admit I took my inspiration from Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. Community is so important and my friends who are more like sisters, played dress up and worked it for the camera. All of these women aka “Hussies” are moms who have careers and serious jobs but for a couple hours we all got to just be silly and pretend to be rock stars, it was ridiculous but it felt so right and empowering. I forgot for a time that I still had cancer, I think we all forgot that we were all seemingly serious adults with our own unique problems for a minute, something everyone should do sometimes, I think it can be just as helpful as straightforward talk therapy in its own way. Play is important no matter how old or young you are.
I am trying to get ready for the US Air Guitar Nationals on Saturday at Dante’s, a couple people are staying at my house and I have to try to make my place habitable, a bit of a challenge but I need to get over my shame regarding not keeping my house perfectly perfect, it has always been a challenge for me but dealing with illness the last few years has made it impossible, I have had to relax about it but still…I am constantly talking myself down from the ledge, nobody is perfect, I am not my mess…Well, I am kind of my mess but I am always trying to be better, these things can take a lifetime to evolve apparently.
Until next time ❤️