In the ongoing drama “These Are The Butts Of Our Lives” my right butt wound has closed up before it is time and further back than I would like. This came to my attention when I I had to flush the line of my drains with a saline flush, when I normally do this, fluid shoots out of each of the wounds that my husband packs twice a day (weird, I know), last night fluid shot out of where the catheter drain plugs into my right ass cheek 😳 This indicates to me that the wound is closing prematurely again (my body really does work hard to heal). When I told my oncologist of this she decided to not have me do chemotherapy today and wants to try me on some kind of pill that is FDA approved but she doesn’t seem that stoked about “If it works, great! If not, we can apply for immunotherapy. Your hands might crack and peel but this is totally reversible” Ummmmmm...Okay 😶
It is weird to think that my chemotherapy sparkle jizz is not on the table for me at this time, what does this mean? Another unknown. Once chemotherapy was a total scary mystery to me, I have never loved it but I kind of know what to expect now, so a new possibility makes me apprehensive. My doctor urged me not to read about the scary side-effects but how can I not see “Possible Extensive Liver Damage” written in bold across the information papers?! Good thing I gave up drinking for the most part...I guess...Maybe I should start again, darn it! I really could use a mojito or a good vodka tonic right now, ha! There is a part of me that is happy I am not doing the chemo, clearly my body is in agreement, I am trying to get my mind right and my body feeling a bit better before this next step, which won’t happen for 2 weeks at least.
In the meantime I am planning out my edit and performance for the upcoming air guitar contest that is online again. At first I wasn’t going to do it but there is a part of me that just doesn’t know when to quit, I think I can do something entertaining and honestly I need something to focus on that isn’t life threatening or serious and even if I don’t end up winning, the ultimate win will be in the doing of such a thing, if I can put something together that makes someone laugh and I was able to actually get off the couch to do it, Halle-fucking-luyah!
You might judge by my tone that I have been a little low lately and you wouldn’t be wrong, however living in the depths is not my intention, at least not for the long haul. It is important to acknowledge our feelings and low is a definite mood but I grew up with a chronically depressed mother and I can’t take residence in that space, though I do acknowledge it can be challenging to get out of when it feels like no breaks are coming. Depression can be sticky but I don’t like it and I am going to try my best to navigate this as I do everything else on my ridiculous river.
That’s it for today.
Until next time ❤️