I feel pretty good for the most part, I think between my miracle fermented soy beverage and the recent radiation I am crawling back up the proverbial hill. If my various butt wounds and broken heart from losing my little pug girl didn’t smart enough, I could almost feel normal with a side of mild fatigue. I was trying to determine how many holes I actually have right now...I believe the answer is 4...Okay, you might think that is weird, I mean it is my body, shouldn’t I know? I am talking about the surgical wounds I have (I know about the ones I was born with, come on! 😜) These wounds are purposely kept open by being stuffed with gauze twice a day so that the drainage that seeps from my tumor has an escape route. All of these holes are literally behind me as in, on my behind, which I honestly have only looked at twice since my first abscess surgery that happened a year and a half ago. It has been challenging for me to keep my mind right about my body let alone look at it with all of the modifications and slice and dice that have occurred since I started this path. As women we are raised in this society to value ourselves based on our bodies and our fertility, always comparing and measuring ourselves against others. Just when I started to accept my body, this major event happened as if the universe was saying “Oh good, we see you accept yourself so let’s raise you a stage 4 cancer diagnosis with a bunch of fun surprises! Let’s test your acceptance, shall we?”
This picture was taken a month after my colostomy surgery, can you tell?
All things considered, I have done pretty well despite the harder times. I have heard of people who get colostomies who refuse to leave the house, I understand why but I personally refused to do that. What I needed to do was figure out a way to dress that camouflaged my ostomy (I suspect if people had more guidance regarding how to dress with a front butt attached to their abdomen there might be less shut-ins due to this). Maybe I seem shallow but I defy you to have your body modified in a way that makes you lopsided as well as contains your literal shit and see how you feel, kudos if you don’t care I guess but I think you would be in the minority. I have seen a lot of younger people flaunting their ostomies on flat stomachs with no herniation, sometimes pole dancing or fire fighting or running a marathon, of course these examples are people that don’t have cancer or some other disease on top of whatever caused the need to install this apparatus. I am not saying that it’s easy but the burden may be a bit less, especially if you’re younger and fitter to begin with. When I started getting abscesses, suddenly I had to camouflage the back as well as the front! Trust me, I figured out how but it’s annoying and I miss the ease of just getting dressed without strategizing. It’s the little things that scream the loudest.
The other “fun” fact about having open wounds is the ooze, it varies in viscosity and color from a light yellow to black, sometimes it has been laden with puss and sometimes it has been almost clear, I try and interpret what I see in my underwear like a psychic reads tea leaves or tarot cards. I make up stories as to the “why” and “how,” I check the toilet for chunks of tumor which I have seen or at least I am pretty sure that’s what said chunks are. I apologize if I am being too graphic but there isn’t enough information regarding the sometimes literal fall out of cancer treatment in my opinion. The movies cover hair and weight loss along with nausea and vomiting but I haven’t really seen fact or fiction descriptions of what I am experiencing so...You’re welcome?😬
It is important to maintain a positive outlook but that does not mean one should disregard the natural feelings that are going to occur, to not recognize and allow yourself to feel legit sadness is gaslighting. It‘s okay to embrace and admit the suck as long as you can come up for air, smell the flowers and note all that you are grateful for. Again, my blog and my opinion and this is my personal experience, it’s okay with me if it doesn’t resonate with you.
Getting numerous surgeries can really mess with the sexy factor too. To circle back to dressing to camouflage, if you have a colostomy invest in a Stealthbelt and if you are a woman who likes form fitting jeans, Spanx makes really awesome pants that are high waisted (but not “mom jeans”) and hold everything in allowing for stretch, though I suggest waiting for a good sale, so worth it!
Okay...I guess that’s enough TMI for this post.
Until next time ❤