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I surrender!


I realized the other day that I may be cracking a little under the pressure that is life these days...Just a little, I am not giving up by any means but I think it is good to acknowledge that life feels a bit hard. Sure, I have my cancer diagnosis and all of the goodies THAT comes with, some really positive and some not so great but the quarantine and now the death smoke with a huge side of community suffering and political strife, it feels at times like too much.


I find myself impersonating a sloth, doing chores or art projects very slowly. My energy is not physically bad, I actually feel pretty good in that way but the collective heaviness is palpable and makes time skitter, sputter, slow down or disappear entirely. The smoke making it hazardous to go outside is just another factor in making the world smaller and impossible to escape the grief and fear at times.

Last night Charles and I went down a YouTube rabbit hole, it was a good one though and got us out of some of the funkiness. It reminded us of some of our accomplishments and good times with friends. It was really important to remember that good times can happen again and to appreciate the light in the darkness. That may sound hokey but it is true, if you only look forward to shit that is all that you will get, easy to say and hard not to do sometimes but unless you like living in an energetic sewer (I mean, TMNT seem to like it, no judgement) I suggest you find what gives you some hope and spend some time on it.


I started chemotherapy yesterday after a month break to heal my latest abscess, a mixed bag, I feel impatient with my body at times, I continue to hope for my system to get bored with dealing with disease and just heal itself already but instead I am hooked up to a pump for 3 days feeling mildly nauseated as I work on reillustrating my children’s book I wrote years ago called “Fiona Plays With Her Beaver” in order to republish later this fall, one of the good things I am concentrating on.

I wrote an essay about Charles‘ cousin Brian Domonic Muir, the writer of the cult classic movie “Critters”, I will post a link to it in case you are interested.

Hang in there, we can do this.


Until next time ❤️


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Tired but not defeated.

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