Forgive and not forget.

I got a CT scan and saw my surgeon today, both appointments spaced hours apart which was annoying but allowed me to hang with a friend in between who lives walking distance to the hospital, so not as annoying. The CT scan 6 weeks from the prior scan is a clinical trial schedule and the surgeon appointment was just a checking of my butt wounds. This time when I got my scan the person inserted an IV for the contrast in one try, a relief. When I saw my surgeon I caught him up on all of the good things that have been happening related to the clinical results, “They couldn’t see the tumor in my rectum.” I said, which he replied “Probably because of all the infection.” To which I replied back “Don’t shit on this.” I continued to tell him more good things and then he left the room so I could change into a gown in order for him to examine my butt. He checked my ostomy first, I think because I had told him that my chiropractor had adjusted my hernia which in turn made the hernia not so prominent. I was then instructed to roll on my side as he started probing the depths that are no longer so deep, of my two remaining wounds. He noted that the area looked and felt a lot better which helped reinforce what I was telling him, my body is healing. I asked him if he thought we would be here in this way a year ago when he was basically telling me to go into hospice. He did not of course and that’s okay, I had no idea either but my point in asking him that question was to gently urge him to not count someone out before they are ready to be. We had a good talk about my situation and what it could look like if my cancer went away in regards to reversing my ostomy if that happens. The answer though complicated and full of contingency was that yes, it is a possibility if all the right elements line up and though I am accepting of the idea that I may always have my “Klaus” until I no longer live in my body, it is fun to think that one day my intestines can be back inside where they belong, there’s a chance however small and I will hold on to that. I told him that I appreciated him and he asked if he could hug me and I said yes as I wrapped my arms around him and was fully aware of how strange yet lovely that was as my scarred caboose flapped in the breeze of the open hospital gown, especially in Covid times but medicine is more than drugs and surgery. Gratitude as well as forgiveness is essential for true healing to happen.

I want to explain what I mean about forgiveness, this pertains to the self as well as others. Forgiveness is a process, this does not mean to forget, if we forget why a situation was upsetting than we can’t really learn from it. I want to keep learning and show others another perspective that could potentially alter how they might handle similar situations in the future. It is a goal I have regarding the medical community whom I interact with, though there is no attachment to a particular outcome other than to grease the wheels of rigidity that can come with intense education and perceived authority, hopefully opening some minds along the way as I try and expand my own…I mean what else have I got to do? Ha!

My clinical trial appointment is on Monday and I will know more about how my body is doing after my doctor goes over the scan and labs with me. My nurse practitioner friend said after going over the latest CT scan results “You should be stoked!” We will see how I feel on Monday, right now I am warm and fuzzy due to the Ativan I took, these kind of days make my body tight with anxiety as tests along with surgeon appointments spin me out a bit and taking this medicine when I need to relieves that, I am not numb though I AM relaxed.

Until next time ❤️