Existing in between

My abscesses are draining and I feel a bit better and less fevery. My energy is about half a tank but that's not too bad considering that I have been running on fumes lately. I finished laying out the glass on my latest mosaic tonight and am now just waiting for the glue to cure before I grout it. I even half assed (literally 😜) cleaned out my refrigerator the other day before making a delicious kale, cucumber, fennel salad with feta and hummus dressing...I am doing things while I wait on the status of my body and it's rogue cells, it's a weird feeling waiting. Not that I haven't been in this position before but it feels extra after a year of what felt like some sort of success. At least I am able to do things, there was a time when I had to lean heavily on the counter just to unload half of the dishwasher before I needed to take a break, these good things are not lost on me, I am grateful for what I can do even if it feels pretty wimpy.

Social media is a window for me, a way for me to stay connected and be seen even in a platform that can make people feel disconnected and horrible. I think growing up as an only child for 12 years and the fact that I am indeed an introvert gave me the ability to live in this way, I can participate whenever I want and I don't have to small talk like at parties (shudder.) I am grateful that this exists, especially while Covid is still rampant...Though I really miss karaoke in the wild, maybe someday. I wonder how my life would be without this portal?

I have a lot of time to think or not think. Sometimes I lay on my massage table and my mind is blank as I stare at the ceiling, my hands gently touching my body, trying to reassure it "You are doing a good job" I will say to my insides "I love you" I will also say, this always makes my cells happy and I feel them smile...I am not sure why I don't do this part more often...We all need to practice kindness to ourselves and it actually feels good if you can get past the self loathing that a lot of us tend to have.

I accidentally almost killed my old pug the other day. I was distracted and left the gate in the kitchen open, I went to hang out with friends and Cooper fell down the basement stairs 😬😳 Charles found my 16 and a half year old blind methuselah of pugs standing by my mosaic. He is still alive but I feel like such an asshole.

Wednesday I get another CT scan, just writing that makes me want to cry.

Until next time ❤️