A gift of time.
Last year at this time I was starting to do better after a long run of surgery, hospital stays and a death talk. “Better” last year was not even close to how I feel so far this year which is fucking awesome! (knock on wood.) I had seen a wonderful naturopath/fairy godmother like creature by the name of Satya Ambrose who‘s phage therapy and suggestion of drinking a fermented soy beverage pushed me over the right side of the edge, thankfully breaking my 6 month surgery frenzy and giving me hope, especially after my two heroic mushroom journeys (a heroic dose of mushrooms that is, anything over 5 grams) that I had in order to break out of the depression and malaise that coated me like a silicone blanket of low grade apathy and despair. I only have my experiences to speak from but I imagine many people suffer thusly when dealing with a disease that sucks their life force like a powerful Hoover. I haven’t really wallowed in the grief of losing the life I had in the before times…Well, not too much, I believe experiencing feelings are important but living in the worst ones for too long serve no one, that being said I was not in the best place physically or emotionally, though through the dark forest I have traveled it hasn’t been all bad, I am just reflecting on some bleaker moments when I wasn’t sure I would be here now, let alone typing these thoughts with my thumbs. Being sick for so long has made me appreciate what and who I have in my life, it’s basically made me into a bit of a mush ball who wants to tell everyone how much they mean to her and how special they (as in you) truly are. Our society and how it runs distracts from what is important which is true connection and the realization that we all have more in common than we are made to believe. I know I have spoken about this before, I wish everyone could stop what they are doing and shake off beliefs and perceptions that aren’t doing anything but fueling division and fear…If I could buy the whole world a coke I would, ha!
I had another CT test today to make sure that my cancer has indeed shrunk as much as they thought and it has, though I still have a disease, right now it is stable and some of the tumors in my liver are calcifying which means they are dying, perhaps a part of my chrysalis coming off, maybe I am molting and finally turning into a butterfly, definitely something a little different than I used to be. I hope I get some cool super power!
Until next time ❤️