I have had the song this blog post is titled after from the musical episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer “Once More With Feeling” intermittently playing in my head. In this episode Buffy, recently brought back from the dead, is wondering in sing song fashion what her true roll is, having been recently ripped out of heaven into the hellscape near a literal hell mouth, back to the fictional town of Sunnydale... I know, my nerd slip is showing here but it is similar to how I am feeling right now, though where I have been is far from heaven. I have been continuing to feel good and almost normal except for the swampy bog that lives in my pants. My energy, far better than it has been for years, is allowing me to have longer amounts of time for doing and learning, this is not to say I can sign up for an Iron Man anytime soon but the good feelings are a bit disconcerting.
I have been trying to learn the bass guitar as I have a goal to be in a family band with Charles and his brother. I am slowly making headway in this, having invested in the Fender app which has short lessons that can be built on, as well as watching YouTube and trying to follow the tablature for songs I would eventually like to play and sing at the same time, an ambition that keeps my mind off of subjects that can plague me lately like the thought of whether this good luck is fleeting and hearing the echos of doctors past “You’re never going to get better…better...better…” The struggle is real and though I don’t try and dwell too much on the metaphorical wounds of the most recent past I can’t help but hear the replay at times…The medical community really needs better education regarding words and speaking to people, what they say and how they say it can be life or death for someone and that is not woo woo bullshit. If I was a differently wired person I probably wouldn’t be here typing this on my IPad with one finger as I wait for my husband to come stuff my butt in the least sexy way that you could ever imagine... That being said, I have made it this far and I actually feel pretty darn good, take that past doctor talk! 😜
Feeling bad or at least sub par on a daily basis had become my job in a way for about a year straight and intermittently for several years prior, including a couple before I was diagnosed with cancer, I have been pretty good at functioning at the lowest level in a weird way. This is a strange thing to take pride in but I do, as messed up as that may be, this is why feeling good and planning for a future that I was told wasn’t really possible is kind of scary. When you feel crappy all of the time nobody expects much so the bare minimum is cause for celebration. What happens if this feeling of good health actually is true healing in my body? Where do I go from here? Like the Buffy musical and the characters in that season I am a bit lost and befuddled but not without hopes and dreams, the possibility that I might be able to function in society in a different capacity other than as a cancer patient is both daunting and exciting and I have no real idea as to what I want to be when I grow up again, that is except for a middle aged wanna be rockstar, that’s a definite yes on my imaginary vision board.
Until next time ❤️