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Warning! Impending emo post: I am lost, can someone come find me?

Updated: Mar 25

l love air guitar. I enjoy the silliness and the creativity that it brings out in adults as well as myself who I guess can be considered an adult, at least sometimes. I love the community of people who are drawn to this ridiculous passion but I am having a problem, I think I rely too heavily on this platform as a creative outlet that is shoved like a hot dog into a soggy bun when competing is a part of the equation. I have been working towards something undefinable utilizing this presumably stupid hobby for 11 years and air guitar has opened me up to lots of cool experiences and opportunities, no doubt, it has made me brave, taught me that I can perform in front of a crowd and not die, allowed me to blossom at an age that as women we are told to wither, that we are no longer relevant. Yes, times have changed a bit and not all of us are put out to pasture past a certain age but those are still the exceptions, thank you JLO and Helen Mirren. Now, let’s put a cancer diagnosis and a pandemic into this. The pandemic and ensuing quarantine fucks up opportunities to do any kind of performing in public and the cancer is a wild card that at a moments notice can pull me under the water and make it incredibly difficult to do the things that I love. So what do I do? I compete because it is what is available but in no way is it a fair assessment of anyone’s artistry. I am not saying that the people who have taken these competitions all of the way aren’t awesome, not at all, what I am saying is that there is all sorts of creative people with their own versions of awesome and there can ultimately only be one winner, I get that. This would be much easier if I didn’t care. It would be much easier if not making it to another level didn’t sting, didn’t somehow feel personal. I have gotten far myself in the past few years and it still stung, losing by a 10th of a point 3 years in a row is still not winning, that seeps into the cracks of insecurity and self loathing that can never seem to be totally obliterated. This is my problem, my blog, my feelings. There are so many other pressing matters in the world as we know it right now but my world, it has become incredibly small in a way and I have put a lot of weight into telling a 60 second story, hoping this will be fulfilling... It’s fun creating a piece that can be shown and told, to make people laugh but I need to do something else that doesn’t require someone to assign a score to my work. This doesn’t necessarily mean I would give up competing in air guitar all together but it does mean that I need to diversify and focus on purely performing when my body gives me the opportunity. So what would that be? What would that look like? I have no idea but I really need to figure something out. I need a reason to keep going, not to sound dramatic but when your life is small like mine has become you need fun things to look forward to. It is even more important to be seen, to be witnessed, to be validated...Yes, ultimately one needs to love themselves but when you have the bug to perform, it’s not the same to just do so in a vacuum, though there can be pleasure in solo movement and creative play, showing your work in front of an audience is the ultimate payoff.

One day this won’t matter but until that day, while I live and breathe I need to work towards something that will satisfy that little girl in me who lip synced to Elvis Presley and Pat Benatar records in the mirror and dreamed of finding some kind of talent that she could bring to the stage.

Fuck you pandemic, fuck you cancer.

Until next time ❤️

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