Since being diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer in May of 2019 my life has been peppered with sprints and comas in a sense. Though even before cancer I would only run to catch a bus or a runaway pug and I have certainly never been in a real coma, the energy it took to perform or attend a gathering often felt like an athletic event, my energy depleting like the battery in an outdated IPhone as my body sagged heavily against whatever was propping it up until it could lay down for a week or two once home. I was barely able to decorate for Xmas but I always have been able to at some capacity, I enjoy the hidden magic of the season and want to experience whatever I can. Two years ago I remember almost fainting and casually sitting down on the dining room floor as my husband and friend who was also there celebrating the holiday, thankfully played it cool...Panic doesn't help in these situations and I was able to eventually stand up and walk to my place on the couch and resume the festivities without talking about it.
This year is different.
(I wanted to say "gonna be different" but I don't like to get cocky.)
My last pug standing keeps me tethered to the couch more than I would like, I wonder if that is by some cosmic design. I am waiting for him to exit his little 16 year old body that is burdened with underlying conditions but he keeps going. It is challenging to watch our fur family age and slow down but it is my honor to support them regardless of how it pains my heart. It's the least I can do for them, they were such a joy at times as well as medicine when necessary, I truly believe they helped keep me here.
Now that I feel pretty good I am a little overwhelmed with where to start, there are so many options! I am definitely starting slow and doing things incrementally but what a difference I feel compared to the last few years. This is just a reminder, whether to someone else or just to myself, that things can get better even if the odds are not in yours or my favor.
Like I said, I am not cocky but I am planning to have more fun than I have in the last few years. This is not overly ambitious as I am already having more fun not being miserable in certain ways and I don't have huge plans other than spending more time off of my couch. It feels nice to have a lighter sense in my body, if my corporeal vessel was a house on a beach cliff, the windows would be open and the sun would be bright. Maybe this is a cheesy image but it feels right, I feel like I can breathe a little easier again for now.
I am still not cocky though.
Until next time ❤️