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“Very stable disease. No sign of progression.”

The message from my doctor regarding my latest CT scan results. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I am happy that there is "No sign of progression," on the other hand "Very stable disease" could be a cool name for a punk band but having the label attached to my body is disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful. I feel stronger in my body than I have in years. For the longest time I felt that my essence was inside of a balloon and I had to tug it inside myself everyday making sure the string was still attached though frayed. My body is a bit creaky and I need to keep building strength and stamina in that area but my spirit has thickened like my waist, my weight healthy again. I just don't want to have a "disease" anymore as unreasonable as that sounds, like I can snap my fingers or wiggle my nose like Samantha in "Bewitched." Perhaps it still clings to me because I haven't fully learned the lesson that it came here to teach me. I wish I could be one of those stories that I hear where one day I wake up and I am all better...No sign of cancer and I get to have my ostomy reversed.


Blergh.


I just made myself cry, ha! I won't ever be able to get out of this unscathed but a girl can dream of the seemingly impossible. I am not shitting on how far I have come or what I have accomplished. I actually don't cry so much anymore, not like I used to, which I take as a sign of progress. Crying is not bad at all for sure, I feel like I have squeezed out a lot of past trauma through the portals in my tear ducts over the last few years but I don't seem to be done with that quite yet...Maybe I won't ever be and that's okay. I just had a thought, maybe the clearish fluid that seeps out of my holes are tears as well, like my body is crying, a wet wash cloth that one wrings out. I will keep trying to heal myself.


Someone on social media asked for prayers and good thoughts for a friend going through a similar situation as me, they credited support and doctors for making this person well. I agree that support and doctors are really helpful but those of us being supported are integral to our own outcome, whatever that may be...We have to participate in our own healing, to just expect everyone else to solve our issues is not sustainable. Just a thought. I have been witness to people giving away their power and expecting salvation without their own participation and that has colored my perspective in a certain way. I have never seen it work out. Side note: this is not a judgement on that particular person going through their struggle, the comment just inspired my brain to think these thoughts based on my own experiences.


Until next time ❤️

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