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Too tired to think of a clever title for this post.

This Wednesday I will have been on the new clinical trial for a week. Last year was such a whirlwind of success with the previous trial but I am not letting that skew my opinion on this targeted therapy. I haven't had wretch worthy nausea since the second day and the amount of ooze and pieces of (gawd knows what 😳) coming out of me is an adjustment to the normal flow that I had become used to. I slept terribly last night, probably due to having to see my surgeon before work. His assessment was a mixed bag: Your butt is softer than last time in the areas that has hardened and the tumor is doing what the tumor is going to do..."Keep taking that trial drug." I also got the carefully worded death talk as in "When you don't want to do this anymore, let us know." Oh surgeons 🙄 Even the good ones cannot help themselves...I told him "Then you had to go surgeon it up." My definition of said statement is that if a surgeon feels unable to fix something or someone than the thing or person cannot be helped (most likely) in their opinion. This is not cruelty, it's self preservation for those with empathy.


The "God Complex" is both a blessing and a curse when related to doctors.


My job in navigating my body issues, test results and words coming out of authorities face holes is to stay somewhat ambivalent. This is not to say I don't care or don't take information seriously but I can't afford to hold too tightly to my own fear or anyone else's opinions that don't align with mine.


I have also noticed that the discomfort I had started to experience, has incrementally gotten less (indicated by less ingestion of pain killers.) The morning has been the most challenging for the last couple months but the intensity is less.


A win is a win no matter how small, it is so important to feel gratitude and to give yourself love and acknowledgment when you think of it. This shit is fucking hard enough when you don't have cancer but when you do, it's extra important.


I should go tackle some dishes before I fall asleep.


Until next time❤️



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