I had a thought when I was in the ER last week that what I am experiencing is the head of the dragon and as it works through me things seem worse before they get better. A friend who I shared this with said that the dragon has a long tail...Indeed it fucking seems to. Now my neck is swollen, though not enough to impede my breathing, just enough to make me look like I am training to be a prize fighter. I hate when the ugly shows itself on the outside. Call me vain but when it seems so much has been taken or altered in you, it's a special shit sandwich when your outside betrays you...I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I have been smacked in the face with one thing or another for a couple months now and it's sometimes a challenge to be easy on myself.
I have to remember to be kind to my body, it is doing and going through a lot and I need to appreciate that even if it's not exactly doing what I would like it to. I am impatient with my fatigue and weakness, it's a bit of a gut punch when it's a challenge to get off of a toilet or walk upstairs.
These are the times that are the most challenging, it's a fine line between staying positive and surrendering to the "Nothing"(like from "The Never Ending Story") Despite my seemingly endless suffering I actually still want to be here, I still have things I want to do....
So I will keep trying to feel better and to get better. My nature won't let me do otherwise even when there are moments that make me feel that I am in an impossible situation because I am forever Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber" and believe that no matter how small it may be there is always a chance to turn things around.
I started microdosing mushrooms again, they are helpful. I hope more people can discover this for themselves.
Until next time ❤️