That’s what I say a lot these days, the sensations that I experience in my under carriage are varied, from 0-10 on the pain scale at times. I don’t often feel that my pain is at a 10 but it was yesterday intermittently, the stabbing and burning was almost too much to handle, the pain causing me to shake and cry uncontrollably. I now know how to get secrets out of a spy, an ice pick to the butt crack oughta get them to sing in no time, ha!
I had an appointment with my oncologist today, I was worried about the talk. I had sent her a message stating that I had once again failed to take the chemo pills for the full 3 weeks, in fact I couldn’t make it past 5 days. Her response: “Okay to stop the pills, will talk pros and cons on Thursday.”
Though my body feels strong despite the radiation side effects of tiny, yet painful skin ulcers in my upper gluteal fold, I felt that I was being a weak bitch and she was going to tell me this (though not in those words), maybe tell me if I didn’t suck it up I was choosing death... I automatically felt like I was disappointing her, which is messed up, I know, this is my body and life yet I am worried about displeasing authority, proof that self work is never done.
My doctor did not call me a weak bitch, she told me that I did my best, that if I complained about side effects she took that seriously especially since I don’t really complain about anything. She said she didn’t know if she would be able to handle all that I have been through, that we are a team and that she trusts me and that I am amazing. Her words are part of the medicine, she is both a coach and a cheerleader to me. She said that this opens up the potential for me to try immunotherapy which we will have to do some hoop jumping to get, the therapy that she has in mind is not FDA approved for my specific cancer, though it is for other cancers and there are trials right now for colorectal cancer. Due to my issue with chronic abscess infections I can’t qualify for a trial but can still get the therapy through what they call “compassionate care.” First I will get a CT scan to see where my body is at, this will for sure determine our course of action.
In the meantime, since I won’t be receiving treatment for a bit most likely, I am going to add a berberine supplement that paired with tumeric has had some success in inhibiting liver tumor growth in some studies, I mean, why not?
I am pretty wiped out right now so I am going to sign off for tonight. My butt is feeling better and it will continue to feel so as the chemo works out of my system, the pattern of this fucked up dance.
Until next time ❤️