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It’s getting hot in here...


Cooler times in Astoria, like a week ago 😜

Summer has begun along with sweltering heat, which I have elected to bask in a little, laying in my basket chair on my front porch as I collect a disability check once a month, a prime example of one of those “lazy people” the right wingers are always complaining about, ha! As lucky as I am to receive a check from coffers that I paid into through all of my years of massaging people, I did way better financially when I was working, probably because I was self-employed most of the time. The amount from my disability doesn’t even cover my mortgage. As I lay here glistening with bodily dew, I am trying to figure out what I am going to do when (okay...🙄 IF) I reach a long lasting stable point in this journey. I have discussed this before, usually when I am feeling better and the possibility of my feet being on the ground again seems like it could really happen. It wouldn’t be a bad problem to have, just a perplexing one...


Every now and then, during my 20 years of practicing massage professionally I would have discussions with clients about what would happen if I got too sick or injured to work, nobody believed this would happen but I wasn’t as sure. I loved what I did for a career but it was indeed work and I did not phone in what I did, I also didn’t take enough time off to recharge and recover. The advice I gave to my people for self care was solid and I believe in this but I didn’t as much for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I traded massages once or twice a month and got acupuncture about the same amount but taking a lot of time off? Not so much. Maybe I would still have cancer if I had adhered to no more than a 4 day work week in the last few years I was able to work, if I would have gone to yoga retreats, meditated, taken more than a week off every year or so...Who knows, though I suspect it could have turned the tide BUT AGAIN, how could I know? Looking back and musing in a public forum such as this won’t change anything that has happened for me but maybe it could for someone else... AND ONCE AGAIN...Who knows?!

Stability in my body is possible, I feel pretty stable right now. My rectal tumor feels way less intrusive, my energy is way better, my wounds are calm and the ooze has been plasma (I believe) no puss or chunks right now, though I have been on a weeks hiatus from my chemo pill so things can get worse before they get better which is the pattern with this treatment. Unlike my other chemo infusion I have not been having what had become a chronic infection. This is not to say that this newer stuff hasn’t caused issues...“Skin toxicity” is what has been on the menu with this cocktail, weird bumps that itch, marble like painful fiery balls under the skin in the bottom of one foot, butt wounds feeling fresh and acutely painful as they are being stuffed, my elbows developing a psoriasis like crustiness...I have said it before, this shit is not for the faint of heart. I will admit to having small moments of panic at times but I don’t hold on to it, this would not be helpful. It is peculiar to me that some people would be so resistant to the Covid vaccine (I get being nervous about it) but if a doctor told them they have cancer they would probably be okay with conventional treatment without batting an eye...It’s just a thought, who am I to pretend to know the minds of others? Here I go again, stream of consciousness writing as my cannabis gummy kicks in.

Until next time ❤️

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