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Here we go again…Again.

I received the message from my doctor yesterday regarding my CT scan earlier that morning "Due to significant growth between January and now of your rectal tumor we should start the new trial. We have a spot for you..." I will hear more about this latest adventure on Monday.

It's funny that I feel like I am going to be okay, like my body knows something my brain cannot fathom. I think we forget that we are made of so many working (or not working) parts and that as weird as this sounds, they can have an opinion. I mean "gut feeling" is real and how often have we kicked ourselves for not listening to these messages? I was prepared for concerning news this time around when my doctor had me get a scan 3 weeks before I usually do but preparation doesn't always mean you won't lose your mind, though I didn't this time, I did cry, I can't help feeling disappointment. All this being said, my body seems to shrug off the fear, seemingly saying "We got this, it's going to be okay." My brain on the other hand says "What the fuck does that mean?! I need more information!" The navigation through the forest of the unknown is what we all have to do whether we know it or not. Not knowing is sometimes a preferable state but knowing that you can't know a specific outcome feels really awful at times like a Charlie horse in the middle of your foot, so acute and terrifying until you can work it out and relax away the feeling. I don't know if that makes sense but this is how I experience it. Fear cannot be completely avoided but it can be calmed and put to sleep like a colicky baby. Fear can be a useful tool sometimes but like anything it needs to be consumed in moderation otherwise we can't see around it and it makes life harder than it needs to be.


Right now I am snowed in, Mother Nature has decided to dump a foot of snow on us so I will take this opportunity to grout my mosaic. Slowly I move towards a beautiful outcome with my art, I hope my life works out the same way.


Until next time ❤️

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