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Feeling around the edges

That's about as far as I could get up the dune (with the help of my Pitt/Lab Ruby Sue.) Not that I couldn't have forced myself to the top but I realized I didn't have to, there was nothing to prove as I layed down on the sand and soaked up the energy of the ocean, sun and sand while Charles and Ruby Sue climbed to the highest point. I am here and that's a mountain a lot of people didn't think I would be able to even attempt let alone survive...Holy shit...Every now and then I have to take that in, I am still here and doing pretty decent. Now this isn't a bang on my chest and declare what a fucking warrior I am moment, I am lucky to be here and I am grateful to be here even if my butt wound is on fire and I still ooze tumor juice.

Last year at this time we had just finished the coloring book that I had illustrated between boughts of crippling nausea while my wounds were healing up from the shredding that happened from taking the chemo pill, I was a mess. Though I was feeling a bit better every day I was still not quite right, I didn't have much faith in the immunotherapy that I was on and the tests backed up my feelings, my cancer was growing, my labs were becoming concerning again. Still, I have never felt I was done even if I have had doctors say as much to me "Let's see what happens." That has always been one of my mantras, I mean really, who ever knows?! I wish people wouldn't get so hung up on telling the future, especially when it's not theirs. I think being an "authority" can be a burden, you want to be right because that's the expectation but I imagine you don't necessarily ALWAYS want to be right, especially regarding someone that you have grown attached to (of course I like to imagine all of my medical team are secretly rooting for me) but at the same time you can't step out of that authority to ride the "What if?" train because if you're wrong, what good is your authority? I appreciate those in those positions who can admit that they don't know, that's more honest and there is less pressure I imagine...Regardless, I am still here better than I was last year thanks to the clinical trial among other things and this is something to celebrate along with my 20 year wedding anniversary that is officially tomorrow, hoorah and hot damn!

We head home tomorrow after spending 5 days on the Oregon coast and I am excited to get back and continue working on some art projects I recently started, something I couldn't do beyond my couch for the last few years for the most part. I also am going to participate in a Last Thursday event in my neighborhood this week, something I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do again:

There is also a review of our coloring book if you want to check it out:

Lots of good things happening in a chaotic world and fucked up time that we live in. I get sucked into news and can feel a bit hopeless but when I refocus on what's around me right now I can feel some glimmers of joy amongst the despair, which I feel is important. There are wonderful things and people despite all of the shit and that is important to keep in mind, at least for me.

Until next time ❤️

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