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Does it seem worse than it is or is it worse than you think?

Living with cancer iis a strange place to live. Sometimes horrifying but often just mysterious "Hey Buddy, what are you up to now?" I thought as I gazed at my swollen face in the mirror, one eye sealed shut like I had gone a half a round with Mike Tyson. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, not fucking again!" I got mildly hysterical at this point but took two Benadryl and tried to sleep the monster in my face away. This did not work. I tried cucumbers on my eyes and that didn't work. More sleeping didn't work...After calling the on call doctor I was told to go to the ER.


Memorial Day has been by far the best ER day, I was one of two people waiting to be seen. My facial swelling wasn't taken all that seriously until they asked me why I thought this happened "I don't know, cancer?!" It gets so annoying when nobody even glances at your chart. The ER doctor talked to the on call cancer doctor and decided to give me Benadryl, steroids and some other thing plus Ativan and sent me home with a steroid prescription.


I FINALLY slept ALL NIGHT!


This morning my face looked and felt better and I am going to start my steroids tomorrow since I got them late. I really can't wait until this weird symptom stops.


I do feel incrementally better besides the swelling, though my energy is pretty shitty, I can't help but wonder if the allergic reaction has something to do with that...That's the thing with disease, nobody knows what is happening to your body, at least not the weird shit. I have asked about certain things only to be told some potential theory or my oncologist will straight up say she doesn't know, which is preferable to bullshit. This is why we have to research ourselves, try and figure out the language of our own bodies and figure out how to help, nobody else has time for that, how could they?


I had a thought in the ER yesterday as I lay my body across 5 chairs...Maybe this is the dragon rearing it's head before it goes dormant. Maybe this is the worse before the better. I guess we will find out soon.


Until next time ❤️


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