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Colostotalk: Stupid human trick edition aka “Can you poop on your foot?”

Dealing with an ostomy, in my experience, is like having a baby boy butt attached to my abdomen. You may wonder why I feel that I must gender this portion of my outside intestine and I don't blame you, it's weird. From his birth "Klaus," the Austrian frontal anus, has seemed to make it his mission to prank me at the most inopportune times. When he was about 2 days old he literally trumpeted his existence to every single visitor that came to see me at the hospital, I am not kidding, this is true. You might think that this is a byproduct of owning a front butt that is devoid of a sphincter and of course you are partially right but I swear he only picks the most obvious and quiet times to howl at the moon. When I am in a hurry he sometimes decides to mess (literally) with me, from "Dang it, I JUST changed that bag." To the other day 😳 TOTAL assfuckery level annihilation.

I have been pretty lucky regarding my ostomy, things could be way worse but the timing of this literal butthole is downright audacious, especially in the morning when I have some place to be...

Once upon a time I had an appointment to get my hair trimmed and I was bumped a little earlier than expected, no big deal TO ME 😶 but Klaus picked this moment to purge...I compare this to that iconic "I love Lucy" episode where Lucy and Ethel are working in the candy factory and the conveyor belt keeps speeding up. Now picture the conveyor belt unloading candy directly into my ostomy bag. Like a balloon the apparatus filled as I quickly grabbed the clothes I was going to wear so I could get myself to the bathroom but or BUTT, alas...It was too late...

I peeled off the top of my pajama pants gingerly, the brown sludge over an inch thick adhering cloth to my body and it wasn't just localized (good god 😬😬😬 IT WAS ALL THE WAY ON MY BACK!) So gross...I swear I felt Klaus cackle and I admit he got me good. I cleared off as much as possible but I needed to get in the shower with my front butt bare, I usually bag him before a shower but there was no way I could do that, in all honesty I could and would have volunteered to a fire hose but not one was available...I stood up and..."Plop." Looking down at my foot the brown ice cream cone looking thing stood almost proudly on my foot but you know it wasn't ice cream, so gross and at this (I imagine) Klaus chortled.

In other news...

I got the full green light for abscess surgery, I needed to know that it wouldn't kick me out of the clinical trial I am on and all parties are on board. NOW I am good to go...Let's see if surgical scheduling will ever call me again 🙄 The medical system is slowly turning into the DMV. Medicare For All would repair this in my opinion but what do I know?

Until next time ❤️

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