Have you ever had one of those sores in your nose? I have gotten those occasionally over the years, every time I crinkle my nose, the skin splits and the sensation is both painful and satisfying in a way...Maybe I am broken, I have a weird thing where I bite my lip to create that same sensation and this habit worsens when I am stressed, not that this has anything to do with anything, I am sure I am not the only one with weird coping mechanisms. At least I don’t peel the skin off of my lips like I did as a child. The more information I divulge here the more fucked up I realize I have been, it’s actually pretty interesting seeing the words written down, perhaps it is like a virtual cleaning of the closet in my head...Anyway, I digress as is my habit as well, my brain is sometimes like a maze filled with distractions and cheese...Back to the subject, my ass crack has literally cracked, similar to my nose description but lacking any pleasure, it is horribly painful when activated, which could be a certain movement or touching it directly. There is a new little ulcer and a hole 😳 Potentially a new fissure, my tumor finding other paths to ooze out of. When these new things pop up it is difficult for me to make the best of my situation, at least for the moment, I can always get there eventually but I have to process before I am able to. Today I am processing. I let my oncologist know and asked if I could take a break from the chemo pill I am on as I think (I hope) that this recent development is from the medication and not my tumor wilding out...My intuition regarding my body has become fuzzy and confused, I have had so much that I have had done, radiation, chemotherapy and a plethora of surgical interventions (and still she persists) I hear in my head. My oncologist said I could break from the pills and asked me to see the surgeon which I am refusing to do right now. Ultimately what I end up doing is my decision but it is always a little scary when I say no to authority figures. I want to wait for my wound/ostomy nurse to assess my undercarriage before I do something like that and though I hold my cancer doctor in the highest esteem, I feel like I want to wait in this case, my body my choice.
My energy has still been pretty good. It would be even better if my butt didn’t keep my attention on it constantly, this in itself burns up some of my gas, pain can be a tad exhausting but even so, I am contemplating making some art, potentially a mosaic, creativity begins in my brain, mulling the possibilities. There have been times in this marathon of the unknown where there was no room in my brain for fun in the darkest times, so this is a good sign to me.
Tomorrow is my 51st birthday, 2 years ago when I got my diagnosis I will admit I wasn’t sure I would make it this far, a silly thought that I had “Well, this makes sense, the good die young so...” Ha! Maybe I am not that good and eventually I can talk about my experience in the past tense, I really hope so, I want to travel again.
Until next time❤️