I am slowly waking up to my body or at least starting to develop more of an awareness to it. For the longest time I have been concentrating forward or inward and only looking at my parts with one eye when I needed to. I watched my toned massage and pole dance muscles whither away as the scale noted all of the pounds that fell off of me, my clothes ridiculously big, my leggings were roomy 😳 It was a dream realized of the 15 year old short term anorexic that I had been. That phase only lasted a summer thankfully but being stick thin was not as fun as the super models made it seem, especially the way I achieved it this time. Add neuropathy that made me feel like I had government cheese* for feet and static and needles under my skin along with the damage of so many surgeries and maybe you can understand why I checked out of my body to a certain extent.
*I have actually eaten government cheese.
Pupation is ugly and painful, this disease has been a metamorphosis in a way, though instead of a beautiful butterfly my mind conjures up Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly."
I have realized as I have slowly recovered some of my body and my sensation, that it's time for me to start acquainting myself with...Myself.
The other night I signed up for a zoom presentation regarding sex and cancer...Now I have that "I smell sex and candy" song stuck in my head 🙄 Anyway...It was interesting and it made me sad but also aware of my parts that need to be acknowledged and cared for. I am going to get my legs waxed soon, that will be a start. There is nothing wrong with hairy legs though, I just want to feel mine smooth again, it will be nice to remember what that is like, if I will feel some kind of sensual-ness and more in touch with that dark feminine energy that I know is in me somewhere. It's a start and there is no pressure for anything. Life is so interesting even when it is uncomfortable.
On another subject:
I have hyperbaric chamber induced cataracts. Of course this is one of those potential, small chance side effects but I guess I am lucky, ha! It's very treatable and not a huge deal. I need to see where my eyes land in the next few weeks as they recover from the therapy, we will SEE 😜 Hopefully.
I also saw my oncologist today and she told me there has been no progression of my disease nor any shrinkage. This disappoints me regarding the cancer not shrinking but she assured me "You are perfect!" I balked at this "I am NOT! I STILL have cancer and it isn't even shrinking?!" She told me to live my life and to stop thinking about having cancer. I am not sure how to do that actually. Not that I spend all of my time lamenting my circumstances but I do think at least once a day "Crap, I have cancer." Maybe she has a point and I could probably forget about it for a bit if I didn't have active wounds. Perhaps I will get there one day.
A friend shared her husbands YouTube series that is related to him living with cancer. I have watched a couple of the videos and they are quite fun in my opinion. The cancer doesn't have to take away our creativity. Creativity is medicine regardless...Anyway...
Until next time ❤️