I am feeling mildly crappy and have been for the last few days. I find it interesting that my wounds are now expelling goo again, the kind that has color and texture not the clear fluid that seemingly pours out of me at times, unbeknownst to anyone else, a tributary system in my pants. What’s interesting is that I haven’t started taking the chemo pill again yet, my body is expelling as if it was on more than just supplements and watermelon juice.
After my husband finished wound care today he said “You coming in soon so we can bang this out?” Referring to pharmacy and grocery shopping. I replied “I remember when that had a different meaning” and then started to cry. After having a run of feeling good and having decent energy, when I do fall into the physically draining swamp, I become a bit of a weeping willow but one that actually sheds real deal tears. I believe crying is good but when I get into these modes it is relentless and will not obey my will, it just happens regardless of where I am or who I am with. My psyche can be as delicate as the skin of a peach. The precursor to depression, a reminder once again that this is a marathon not a sprint. I think I need to microdose mushrooms again, I can’t let myself become numb like last time, even though this can be preferable to pain for a bit, we cannot feel pleasure either when we are numb, it is not a place I want to live.
It’s challenging to have to stay in one place while others get to go and have all sorts of adventures and travel, I don’t blame them for doing this at all but it is a reminder of my limitations right now and like my butt crack ulcers that are taking their sweet time healing, it stings.
I am working on a new project, hopefully one that will be published in time for the holiday, I am having fun with it so far and drawing with pen and ink, though I will have to make them digital ultimately (it would really help if I could find my misplaced Apple Pencil…Cough, cough St Anthony are you listening?)
Please watch the movie Charles made in Rome inspired by the location and our own experience living with my cancer. It is both beautiful and heart wrenching. An example of how tragedy and hardship can contribute to art and you guessed it…I cried.
Until next time ❤️ https://youtu.be/4tQdqWEW8XA