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Time has no meaning.

I woke up this morning and I felt pretty good. It is weird that it is November 1st already but…Woah, an ambulance just pulled up to my neighbors house across the street as I write this, with lights and a siren, I wonder how many on my street thought it was for me…I hope whomever is in distress is okay, gonna stop looking out my window now and hope for the best, the idea anyone has to go to the hospital these days triggers a little anxiety in me…Let’s start over…Today I felt good though it is apparent that I have a skosh of PTSD in regards to anything hospital emergency related, I had to take a moment to ground myself…Again, I hope they’re okay. Let’s start one more time…

When I woke up this morning feeling good I actually felt guilty about it in a way. I know this sounds weird. When I worked at the bank a lifetime ago and I had to call in sick due to some illness that hung on for a few days, when I got to the point where I felt good enough I would go back to work, I had that feeling today. Not that I really have a career to go back to, most of my clients have moved on I assume and that’s okay but the compulsion was spurred on by guilt, again, weird. Our society puts so much weight on working despite the impact of the health and wellbeing of said society and that indoctrination runs deep. I know I am not ready to put my hands on people again, facilitating healing in others takes a lot of energy and I am still pupating as I round the corner on this cancer journey, 5 months until I hit 3 years. Feeling this decent I think I may just get there, though I am not going to be cocky or complacent about it, the ambulance reminding me of how uncertain life can be and bringing back the reminder that I was in the hospital every month for the first 4 months of this year.

I did actually work in a way, I spent today refining my pictures for the coloring story book we are planning on publishing soon. I had to back up a little and find the fun again. Trying to create while panicking is not a good way to work, so I slowed down and am taking my time. This is a lot of attention to detail but at a snails pace, the payoff will be that we are proud of the final result. It was funny how quickly I fell into that deadline mindset for this project, my anxiety making my heart race and my guts quiver.

I have been able to eat like a semi normal person for 11 days now, I still have a problem eating enough calories but it’s way more than I was ingesting before and I will keep working on getting more food in me, it will be easier when I finish this latest project, I lose track of time in the process.

Until next time ❤️

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