I have jokingly, though seriously said that I am effervescent. As a person who was told in many ways growing up in various situations that I was not special, this is a big deal. Definitions of “Effervescent”: 1. (Of a liquid) giving off bubbles; fizzy. 2. Vivacious and enthusiastic. Lately I have felt as flat as a two day old open can of Coke. My energy can influence the energy of others, like a super power and one you want to have when feeling fizzy. Today I saw my surgeon, the one who basically told me my struggle was in vain, I must reiterate that my oncologist is not (so far) in agreement with him but like the one insult after a million compliments, these attitudes can effect my psyche, especially when recovering from two surgical procedures in a month.
The appointment I went to today was a follow up, even so I was a little apprehensive. My surgeon was fine, less jokey than before that fateful talk we had but I feel like the relationship will never be quite the same and I will always have his words “The cancer will win” faintly echoing in my mind as I try to decipher meaning in such statements as “Your butt looks okay for you...” My usual effervescence was stale and blah, unable to shift the mood. Like the persistent winter heaviness the feeling at the doctors office reflected this. I know “empath” and “intuitive” are two terms that can be over used but both I am and I can feel my surgeons resignation. I am trying to convince myself I don’t need everyone to believe in the possibility that I might get out of this disease alive, honestly it isn’t healthy to rely on these things, though genuine support is invaluable and if you have it be grateful, not everyone is so lucky, though in this I am rich beyond measure.
I am going to stop here today. Hopefully I will be in a better frame of mind later this week, I will say that every day is a bit better. Slowly but surely I walk through the dark forest, one foot in front of the other.
Until next time ❤️