Plenty of shame in my game.
I realized how angry I was today when a car literally followed me to my parking space at the hospital. The person was holding up traffic so they could take my spot and this infuriated me. Seriously, I know that's a dumb thing to get mad about but this is not a place for me to pretend I am perfect...Clearly. Seriously though, did we not learn from years of playing musical chairs in grade school?!😜 As petty as my gripe is, the volume was turned up by the fact that I was talked into giving my 10am slot to a older man who was having trouble seeing when he was driving to his hyperbaric appointment, the kicker is that they asked me to come in at 8 am for the duration of my therapy (8 more days). Of course I said yes, even though I griped about this and as I came in this morning I really started getting mad about it. I too cannot really see very well, I have to skew my glasses on my face in order to correct my vision enough to be able to drive but society has groomed me to be "nice" and so I assented even though it puts me in a predicament, not only with it being mildly gloomy that early when I drive, which impedes my eyesight more but also, my ostomy/digestion goes out of whack. I blame myself for once again bowing to the call of the patriarchy and that too makes me mad...Being "nice" has really fucked up my life in some ways, not to confuse that with genuine kindness. I believe in being kind but feeling the pressure to be "nice" so someone else can benefit while I make the sacrifice is not right.
Maybe some of this rage comes from my ass. Maybe my wounds are weeping out my feelings built up over the years. The resentment of purposefully making myself small so someone else could take up the space, of dimming my light so others could shine brighter, of believing that I didn't deserve to be special...
I have said it before and I will most likely say it again, our work is never done. Once you get through a layer and it seems like you can breathe again, another layer taps you on the shoulder and screams in your face, the breath fetid and thick making it impossible to ignore.
Until next time❤️