I had to get a CT scan today, I am both curious and full of dread on these days. Depending on who deciphers the results I can have a better or way worse weekend waiting for my Monday appointment with the oncologist because of how my situation is described in the test result that beeps a notification when it hits MyChart. There is a specific person who describes my insides with wording that you would hear on a battlefield, he likes the word “invasion” or worse even when most of what he is describing is ultimately stable and he even says so but you have to get past the muck of terror that is spewed in the report. I also wonder if this person is disappointed the perceived invaders are not spreading. It’s unfortunate that people who decipher these scans don’t have any real access to those whose pictures they read. Maybe if the words were more accessible to us undereducated masses and perhaps more malleable than the hard tones of bodily war, us lay people wouldn’t run to that fear space in our minds that inevitably does not help the situation in our bodies. It is almost like some of these specialists are playing a game rather than describing an actual person…This is the problem with western medicine, the connection between people, doctors and patients or some such authority and the unfortunate ones who rely on such expertise, is severed in order for those diagnosing and prescribing to not feel the weight of what they are doing…At least this is how I see it and those of us in the system are sometimes collateral damage if we don’t have the ability to mind kung fu through the egotistic bullshit and awful safety measures put into place by the powers that be. I am not saying there are not those in the system with authority who move beyond what I have just described, I have been incredibly lucky regarding this but not completely untouched by the cruelty of the system as it is.
I still feel pretty good and I remind myself of this, it’s kind of weird that I have to. I don’t need a machine nor a technician or doctor to tell me how my body feels yet a report written by a person who has never met me will make me feel like my own body is lying to me, sneaking around behind my back and silently destroying us like a sneaky bitch. I know the system could be improved, maybe someday it will be.
Charles and I found a stray little dog behind our house today. I coaxed him with treats and sweet words and now he is in our house like he has always lived there. I hope we can find his people if they are looking for him. Right now we call him “Little Dude” which he responds to and seems to like. Our pit/lab Ruby Sue is not pleased and Cooper doesn’t seem to care at all. Weird timing Little Dude, life always likes to spice things up. Hopefully this situation will be resolved soon in the best possible way.
Until next time ❤️
