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Learning a new language and that language is me.

After having 4 surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy over the last year and a half it has been a challenge to figure out what the sensations in my body are trying to say. We take our understanding of our bodies for granted and maybe you are lucky enough to not really know what I mean. People that lose a limb talk about phantom pain or sensations, this is weird but it makes sense. Now think about rerouting your intestines...In this scenario the pipes are all still attached and have not been shortened, a section has been diverted and a poop shoot has been made in a completely different area than the original spot, though the OG poop shooter is still open for business. Now, most of your waste comes out the front which you have no control over, unlike the back butt, this is because there is no actual sphincter, only intestine but what’s really weird is that when you have what is technically called a “Transverse Loop Colostomy” because everything is still intact, when the poop is in a certain section of your pipe, you feel like you have one in the chamber, as in “Oh gawd, I need to get to a bathroom ASAP!” Basically phantom poop pain, it is really annoying.

I brewed an abscess last week but was still feeling pressure after I saw the surgeon, this sensation makes it hard to concentrate on other things and movement can intensify the feeling, picture a dog that still has poo stuck in their butt, they keep trying to sit down until you pull it out, I know how they feel. This being said I had a follow up with my regular surgeon. He found no apparent abscess and took a biopsy to test for cancer tissue in my open wound that drains constantly. When my butt gill closes up that’s when things can really go haywire for me, therefore we keep the wound packed with gauze and attend to it everyday. So at this point I still have had intermittent pressure but no obvious abscess...This could be the tumor growing into the area or I am constipated... (I know what you are thinking right now! BEST BLOG POST EVER! If you are Beavis or Butthead.) Fingers crossed that it is my digestion that needs to be figured out and not my tumor trying to build me a tail.

To learn my new language is important as it helps me navigate this metaphorical river and keeps me out of those eddies of fear. Though I would definitely say I am more disappointed than I am fearful, I just feel like I can do better and I will continue to try. Part of me tries to look forward to a time when I am free of cancer and can help those that are going through similar struggles, to coach them and really empathize with what they are going through. The other part of me reminds myself that I have to live in the day to day, minute by minute. I have to just be and keep moving forward as much as possible and not let myself live too long in the abyss when life gets mean.

Until next time ♥️

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