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Draggin’ Lady

That’s me, my ass is dragging and I am not sure if it’s from the pressure I am putting on myself to get through an educational program that is not easy for me or if it’s something else…You know, fucking cancer, it’s always hanging out, whether literally or not. I feel good, don’t get me wrong but when you live your life in constant bloodwork and scans you have no choice but to wonder. It’s time to take mushrooms again, they are excellent for calming the negative thoughts, hopefully I will have a day sometime soon where I can dose myself and make some new neural pathways, life can be harder when it feels easier. When I felt crappy it was a bonus if I could empty the dishwasher and I celebrated when I could but now I can do more and it’s still not enough…I have a habit to not be happy with me no matter what I do, I have a weird desire for perfection, an unattainable goal and a standard that I only hold for myself. Maybe I am addicted to self sabotage, maybe I am afraid to be truly happy because if I ever get there it will hurt too much when it is inevitably taken away…How fucked up is that? I am afraid to lean into feeling happy because if I do so it will surely be taken away. I am not talking about an unsustainable manic euphoria, I just mean more of a confident contented feeling. Blergh.

My butt abscess has failed to breach the surface as of yet and my wound care team wants to pass the buck to my surgeon, a hot cancer potato, to deal with this frustrating situation, I really don’t want another surgery. I still have time for my body to resolve this situation, I haven’t given up yet and my appointment with the surgeon isn’t until next week and I don’t necessarily know what they will say though I feel that I have a good idea but I could be wrong, fingers crossed.

A side effect from Hyperbaric Chamber Therapy is that your eyesight can go wonky 👀😎 Guess who has two thumbs and has to angle their glasses in a weird way in order to be able to see good enough to drive? If you guessed me…😜👍🏻 This is temporary but highly annoying, especially when I have to stare at a screen for hours in order to get my class work done.

Ha! What a whiner I am! Life for me is not so bad and there seems to be more of a chance for a future that holds opportunity to do some fun things before I leave this realm. Thank you for letting me bitch once again, for me this is a diary with no lock, like Bridget Jones says in the movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary”:

“I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant... After all, it's only a diary.”

Until next time ❤️

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