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The price for putting my best face forward.

I tend to make the best of the worst situations, this actually comes from living through some questionable yet character building times in my life. Sometimes when things are really dismal, all you can do is laugh...Of course that’s not the only option but my way is not to lament the shit that I have been through and am experiencing, not really ever but especially not now. Let me be really clear, I am pretty tough (at least I think I am) but I have some challenging days, of course the obvious would be hospital stays and surgeries but there are also the times at home and in between. The lack of energy or the obvious strain my illness has caused my husband.

This time last year I was recovering from my second abscess surgery, a 8.9cm deep wound that was reminiscent of a Cronenberg film. Last year was rough but we made the best of it like we always do and I had genuine periods of improvement and feeling good, like throwing sandbags over my shoulder, Mad Max photo shoots and almost winning an air guitar contest good. Now, I have dipped down into a bit of a hole, my grip holding onto the edge trying to weather this latest challenge. Like a marathon that also has highs and lows (so I have heard, no matter how healthy I am you won’t see me REALLY running a marathon) I am crawling towards a finish line, hoping for some kind of stability or miraculous healing without accidentally pooping my pants in front of all the supporters cheering me on.

Though I am resilient I am also at times delicate, not weak, just vulnerable, the other side of supposedly “rocking” or “kicking cancers ass” are the quieter, somewhat scary uncertain times...I feel like I am walking through a dim forest towards the opening in the trees that is so far away it feels like a dream.

Please be gentle with me in these times, I aim to get through this but I just really wanted to paint the picture whole.

Until next time♥️

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