Stable yet maybe not for long…
I took half of an Ativan before my oncology appointment, which I do not normally do but since this backslide has hit me in an extra special way I felt that it was an appropriate decision. I felt a bit squishy and loose but this was not stopping the tears that ran intermittently down my face. Thankfully Charles came with me and kept telling me I was a rock star, I felt so bad for my whole team...What a let down. Of course my port was being a little bitch when they tried to draw labs and they had to access my arm but fortunately the rock star of phlebotomy was there so that was easy like Sunday morning. Finally I was taken back to see my oncologist and the minute she came in my dam burst. My oncologist is awesome, I actually love her and don't want to disappoint her and I get that this is fucked up but surprise 😜 I have issues and I know it, I know my feelings are unhealthy...I guess that's a good thing, at least I realize this, though it doesn't take away the knife twisting in my heart. She sat across from me and leaned forward telling me that yes, two tumors have grown but I am still in the stable zone for now. She reminded me that this therapy was a place holder and now two tumors have potentially developed new mutations and there is most likely a biopsy to test them in my future. She reiterated that I am a miracle and that this is not my fault. She reached across the small space and patted my knee, to me it felt like a hug. My doctor also told me that they are looking for other trials, that if they find the right medicine my wounds could possibly heal. I could tell she is afraid I am giving up, I am not and I told her this...I have plans and would like to do some things, go to Greece, make some things and have adventures before I am done. She patted my shoulder and left the room.
Charles had to leave for work and I met with my trial nurse who told me the research team was putting together plans that they were going to run by my oncologist. Hopefully I will hear more soon.
I am okay. I feel a little less defeated every day. I am plugging away on the mosaic I started and I love the way broken glass looks, it gives me a little taste of happiness and satisfaction, an "I did that" feeling, garbage can be beautiful. I like to think that art pieces I have made will be special to someone even if they don't know me, who knows? I plan on making whatever I want to until I can't.
Don't worry, I don't feel done yet. This is a hiccup.
Until next time❤️