I had my six week appointment with my surgeon today, as always when it comes to these appointments I was nervous. To prepare for said appointment I did an EFT session (Emotional Freedom Technique), which is tapping certain points on my body and saying affirmations which can be surprisingly effective when it comes to anxiety and pain and I have this as an App (Tapping Solution) on my phone, whatever works. I dressed up in my best rock star regalia and headed to my appointment, I even got there early.
I don’t care for my surgeons medical assistant, though I feel bad saying that, it is the truth. She reminds me of the energy vampire on the show “What We Do In The Shadows.” She called my name and we went to the scale “Let me take your temperature first…” The thermometer was one of those point and shoot ones which in my experience are often wrong. “Hmmmm, 99.1, I wonder why?” I stepped on the scale “I don’t know, I am wearing a mask and I was sitting in a sunny spot in the waiting room.” The words were a bit clipped coming out of my mouth, I was trying to maintain courtesy through my ire. We walked into the exam room and I sat down as she went over the usual questions “Hmmm, you are sitting uncomfortably.” I felt what my acupuncturist used to call my “Lady Rage” roll over inside of me and crack open one eye “If you had my butt I am sure you would too.” I calmly snapped, my voice a monotone. “Well here’s a gown, I am sure you know what to do. Go ahead and lay down if you want.” Then she left the room for a few minutes and then I heard a rapping at the door “Come in.” I said as the woman slipped back in with a thermometer “Just gonna try this again…Hmmmm 103.” I was getting pissed but trying to keep it in like a child trying not to pee their pants a block away from home “I don’t have a 103 temperature, trust me I would feel that.” She took it again, “100!” I wanted to throttle her “Those things are not reliable but whatever. It wouldn’t be unusual for me AND it’s low grade.” She left, thankfully.
My surgeon came in late, I think he might have had a rough appointment before me, which is just a feeling, I could be wrong. “Are you laying on your side because you are in pain?” I sat up “No, I am decent, just my upper crack, which I believe is from the radiation, it’s ulcerated and having a hard time healing due to me moving, which is lame but true. Every time I have to pick something off of the floor, crack!” We made some small talk, jokes happened and then I rolled over exposing my rear end.
After the examination and the removal of one of my two drains I said “I am going to try and be even better next time.” My surgeons eyes widened “But you ARE doing better.” I replied “Sure but I can always be better than last time.” He looked at me for a long second “You’re a survivor but I don’t need to tell you that.” These words coming out of the mouth of someone who once said “The cancer is going to win.” I felt a bit lighter “No, I do need you to say that. Thank you.” He asked if he could hug me when I lifted my elbow to do our usual COVID-19 high five, “Because we’re vaccinated?” I asked and he said “No, just because.”
I am still a bit low energy but it’s manageable, I have been way worse and I feel a bit better every day. I can’t help but think my angry crack might be draining my reserves a bit, pain does that, even low grade discomfort.
Still, I trudge through the dark forest of the unknown, the sunlight peeking through the density, reminding me to keep moving forward even when in reality I am pinned to my couch. I read something about laziness, this person said that instead of asking why you are lazy ask yourself why you are immobile. Often it can be fear of failure or success. My immobility is allowing my body to do its work, sometimes rest is what I need to do even if it presents as lazy “It won’t always be like this.” I tell myself.
Someday I will fly again.
Until next time❤️