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Don’t shit where you eat.

It's easier to do what I say in the title of this blog post if you have an ostomy, at least it's contained. Get togethers around the holidays can be a figurative laxative to those who decide to loose their emotional bowels on those that are safe. My filter has been broken for a lot of years and the people I surround myself with are used to my openness usually but sometimes I can misread a situation, occasionally I can hit that button that ignites something in someone who I presumed to be safe in which they weaponize their words in order to silence me, to prove themselves right in some way...

I have a problem, I know, surprise I am not perfect. I have often felt through my whole entire life that I am invisible. I know, this coming from a person who does ridiculous things on stage in costumes but yeah, it's true. As a normal, not on stage person I have spent a lot of time trying not to burden people or shine my light too bright. I accepted that I wasn't that smart or gifted, that I wasn't much to look at but I could work hard. I have done a lot of work around this collateral damage of being a child of divorce and of a mom who was not given love by her own mother and needed me to fill that roll for her. I used to have friends who I allowed to bully me but at a certain point after growing up a bit and doing a bunch of really challenging work on myself I moved away from these relationships and I can say that the people I have in my life are safe...Mostly.

I was vulnerable with the wrong person and they shut me down, literally the second person that did this in two weeks which is interesting. It's almost as if my health being more stable makes it more okay to do things like this. Is this a test? Don't get me wrong, I am not weak but nor am I a robot and if you read my blog often enough, you know I have feelings and thoughts and am not too shy to share them. I just don't like the feeling that I have to edit myself or turn down my volume for certain people, I want to be open after years of locking myself up.

The holidays have a tendency to bring out the best and the worst in people. Nobody is perfect including myself, I too make mistakes but this is where I need to stay vigilant, to not fall back into patterns where I am treated as lesser than.

All this being said I had some really nice times over the holidays and I hope you did to. Now let's hope next year is better than this one!

Until next time❤️

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