My husband just texted me " Don't forget your blog post." The notification popped up as I was watching another TikTok video regarding the conspiracy stories of "The Sisterwives."
I did forget but I have been reminded so here I go...
Depression presents itself in different ways in my experience of having cancer these last few years. There is the blatant emo depression which involves a lot of crying and wallowing in the depths of despair, the numb, blank feeling where the usual potty humor doesn't even bring forth a smile, or what I am feeling right now, which is immersing myself in nothing that involves me or what is going on inside my body...TikTok videos and Sisterwives drama is way more interesting than worrying about rogue tumors and what that could mean.
I have started using our sonic vibration machine and infrared sauna (sounds so bougey but we have had these in our basement for years) and it makes me feel like I am doing something helpful even if my brain is on autopilot as I listen to my audiobook copy of "The Dirt" about Motley Crue. I finished laying out the glass on the mosaic I have been working on and am waiting for the glue to cure before I continue with grout and paint...Waiting for glue to dry is way more interesting than wondering about the cells in my body and what they are up to.
I am going to start training for a part time job next week which is kind of exciting and a different view than my couch or my neighborhood. I am thinking about fun outfits I can wear which again is a distraction but a more welcome one, at least it's better than staring at 3 minute videos endlessly...Though I have to say I have learned a lot of useful things from TikTok which includes recipes, politics, how-to videos, fun filters and when are the best dates for manifesting.
It's okay to feel the feelings. We can't always be some Disney princess skipping through the forest with birds flying around our heads and bunnies carrying our trains because we know some fairy godmothers are going to break the curse. It's okay to feel the heaviness behind the eyes and the lumps that can sit in our throats...
Maybe the reason why I almost forgot to write my post is to do so makes me think about what's going on with me now. Writing my inner turmoil can be cathartic but it is never an escape.
Don't worry, I am okay and it is good to have a reason to check back in.
Now I have to go soak in an Epsom salt bath and prepare my butt for the wound stuffening...Prince Charming doesn't have any idea how easy he has it compared to my own brave hero.
Bibbity bobbity blergh 😜
Until next time ❤️