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I had a CT exam yesterday and decided to record my thoughts on Instagram:

Later that day I received this message from my doctor:

The first thing that came in to my head was failure, disappointment, frustration, sadness... Of course I don't deserve good things... All of the worst shit that you wouldn't want anyone else to say about themselves shot like arrows into a body that is already struggling to not die and the first thing I do is pile on the bricks of despair and self loathing. I am sure I am not alone in this, I wish I was better at not kicking myself when I fall down.

When I initially read my doctors message I felt numb and then a little later a panic came over me, the idea that I haven't been able to do all I want to do before the pendulum swings in the other direction. I covered my head and body in a blanket and sounds came out of me that I did not recognize as my own. There was a part of me that observed this, even suggested I get it together and turn down the volume but my animal self ignored this thought and whaled louder, my couch became soaked with tears and snot in the place where my head smashed into the cushion trying to smother my sounds. Charles came to comfort me, his body crushing into me in the way only a partner can, like he was shielding me, my protector and slayer of dragons. If he could kill what is trying to kill me I have no doubt he would.

This is my dragon to slay or to tame or to be devoured by.

It's interesting that when I found out my initial prognosis, which was not good and suggested I wouldn't make it as long as I actually have, I came home, went straight to bed and didn't get up until the next day. This time is different, I believe it is because I have actually felt pretty good and hopeful. I was even going to interview for a full time remote job...I was preparing to not be ruled by my disease but then I learned my test results and felt crushed under the weight of this bullshit as it whispered "We're not finished yet."

Well, fuck.

Until next time ❤️

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