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Through the looking glass? Yes, please…

I was in an appointment awhile back with my chiropractor who in my opinion is the best and has also experienced cancer themselves, I said “I can’t tell if it’s normal or cancer” in regard to a sensation I was experiencing and they said “Don’t try and figure it out.” This is good advice and something I would say to my massage clients regarding pain “Don’t look for it or expect it.” My theory which is backed by research, if you look for or expect pain it can be permanently moved in, setting up house in your body like a squatter, if you note the pain sensations instead, that’s information from the brain and one should adjust and listen to their body fearlessly and without attachment. Sometimes this is easier said than done and if you attach a word like “cancer” to this scenario the adrenals tend to ignite the fight or flight response and the mind loops. I have been a bit more anxious regarding my health lately, when you go from feeling sub par to pretty good the stakes raise, I have spent some time these last few months waiting for the other shoe to drop and I feel that is not healthy, so the other day I took some magic mushrooms. I have microdosed in the past and that was incredibly helpful, I have also taken a way larger amount called a “heroic dose” and have experienced intensive journeys full of self discovery and enlightenment. The mushrooms actually change your neural pathways and have helped me in so many ways, so I have decided to revisit this medicine in order to hopefully decrease my anxiety that has recently come calling once again. I have a respect for psilocybin as it can illicit a lot of change but it is powerful and I personally feel that I have to be in the right state of mind to take them, the other day I was as I planned to be and I feel that it was helpful but I was too conservative with the dose which was just a hair over half a gram. I still feel a skosh anxious so I am planning on doing it again with a bit more of the fungus, I am not sorry I started out small, I would rather be a little cautious with this, I don’t think it would be helpful to be scared when taking mushrooms, that’s when things can go awry in my opinion.

I spent the last couple of days planning out the intro that I am producing with some of my hussies for the US Air Guitar Nationals that are happening in Portland on July 16th. The feelings are bitter sweet I have to admit. I love performing and the fact that I feel good enough to do it is amazing BUT my ego is sad that I am not competing and the story would sound more dramatic if I was (even though putting together a pre-show is way more work). I could have competed, I probably still might be allowed to if I really wanted to but honestly I want the Nationals in my hometown to be as good as possible after the dismal last few years and if I can help that to happen by starting up the show and setting the tone I can live with this even if my ego keeps chattering “But…BUT we might ACTUALLY, potentially, probably not but MAYBE win a trip to Finland…What would winning a ridiculous competition that would give me a small amount of fame and bragging rights for life give me? Something I have wanted for a long time, to be seen and acknowledged, as weird as that sounds. A basic need wrapped up in an absurd package. Another reason to dose mushrooms, maybe they can help me to be more comfortable with who I am and allow me to be able to let go of what I have wanted for so long. We can never be truly happy if we can’t be okay with ourselves, we don’t have to win a trophy to be acknowledged for the awesomeness that we are (honestly writing that was as hard as the lump in my throat that statement created.)

I JUST heard the first firework today as I write this. My dog is going to be terrified for the next few hours I am sure. I really don’t feel like celebrating our country right now, not that I think EVERYTHING is shit but the sheer amount of almost daily shootings makes me want to take all of the guns and things that go boom away from the selfish babies who choose thoughts and prayers over common sense gun control laws…If you can’t play nice you don’t deserve nice things or at the least deadly weapons...Gahhh….Again our whole world is NOT shit, it’s just confused and full of fear right now, the challenge is to not fall into that same trap. I am really trying not to.

Until next time ❤️

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