My butt is acting like a complete douche. On top of my nightly fevers making a comeback there is a pressure/pain along my lower right gluteal fold. The emo part of me wants to proclaim this as failure, throw myself on the bed and proceed to try and suffocate myself with a pillow, something that never worked in my numerous teenage angsty tantrums. The other side of me thinks this is just a vain attempt of the infection to take me down with it because it knows its days are numbered, the tail of the dragon sweeping the knights off of the cliff.
This week will be challenging. I get a CT scan on Thursday (a test that never fails to put me into an anxiety spiral of dread and hope) and surgery happens on Friday, though health wise I am in way better shape than I was for ALL of the other abscess surgeries, I am nervous, I don't take any surgery lightly. I told my surgeon that maybe this is the last of the abscesses and though he won't be convinced this is the case, I can't rely on him to be convinced, if that makes sense. I have to be the one who illicits change in my own body and I have to convince myself on a cellular level.
My mantra "Everyday I get a little better, everyday I have a little less cancer."
We went to Astoria to play music with my brother-in-law this weekend, it was really soul nourishing regardless of my ass issues. We worked a lot on an original song that I wrote and it was so cool. It's weird that I have my bout with cancer to thank for inspiring me to apply myself to learning the bass. "Fecal Fear" plans on playing live sometime next year if all goes well, it would be super sweet if I ultimately slay my dragon...This thought makes me tear up in a really happy way, what a way to celebrate.
"Everyday I get a little better, every day I have a little less cancer."
A funny little story that I will share with you:
Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication. As I walk by a man he asks "Hi! How are you?" I was confused, I think he might have been flirting with me BUT as I answered "Fine, thank you." Klaus (my ostomy) picked this time to announce his presence with a deep, grizzly roar, as if to say "She's taken but I myself am available. Call me!" đł I just pressed my hand to his big mouth and kept walking as if that sound did NOT come out of me, no sir đŹ
Until next time â¤ď¸