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Straddling the crevice of the unknowns.

In one way I feel healthy and in another way I am afraid that feeling is fleeting, a Gemini problem that I have is not necessarily knowing what direction I am headed but not quite ready to leave where I have been.

I had a conversation the other day with my hyperbaric chamber friend. This lovely woman was trying to convince her son that even though she was laying down and watching a movie inside an oxygenated chamber for two hours, she was working. When she asked me what I thought about it I had to agree, healing is work no matter what it looks like on the outside. To actively work on healing is a choice regardless of the outcome, it is an agreement that you make with yourself, a determination. It can be a literal pain in the ass as I can attest to but I find myself trying to justify my resting, even to myself. Our society is not built on doing the best for its people and being busy for the sake of not seeming like a loaf is glorified…I worry about kids who don’t have a moment of down time or unstructured play, seriously 😳 Recharging is not only for sleep, though sleep is integral for overall good health, it’s okay to exist without a constant itinerary. Life would be interesting without clocks, I wonder if we operated without such stringent scheduling if what seems like an anxiety epidemic would fade…Just a random thought.

As I am studying this IT Support Program I find my own anxiety growing. I feel like I am not quite ready to jump into an actual job but I want to make sure that when I am I have a direction. The challenge is to keep moving forward even through the health slips. Right now I am still dealing with an abscess situation, a common theme in my life over the last few years though this time around I feel a lot stronger physically but it never stops worrying me…I wish I didn’t get them anymore, I look forward to putrid pockets of ass goo being a distant memory. My wound care doctor said she could prescribe an MRI to take a look at what the abscess looks like from the inside and this makes me nervous. I feel like a piñata in a way, except when I am broken open (whether virtually or surgically) it’s not candy that they find. An MRI feels almost too specific and I don’t know if I want to find out about all of my secrets.

I am taking a moment on my hammock swing as I write this. Lately the air at night has had the promise of fall whispering in the mild chill. I love the different seasons and the gradual melting from one to the other. As I soak up the pleasant and residual warmth of the day I invite that feeling to be absorbed into my healthy cells and upon doing so I feel them stretch out their virtual arms in acceptance…A healing moment for what it is worth, now I need to go feed my dogs.

Until next time ❤️

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