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Looking back from the abyss

My life is incredibly weird. I definitely have not lived a completely conventional life but it has always worked out for me. My first real adult job after working as a full-time courtesy clerk in a grocery store for over a year was as an administrative assistant in international banking operations, a job I stayed in for almost 9 years, I was 19 when I started there. I was pretty good at my job but even then I could not conform, no suits for this girl, Dr. Martens with skirts and long dresses, a secret belly ring and a dream to be in a band with one of my best friends at the time (we even wrote songs).

Though I felt stifled in many ways I couldn’t bring myself to leave my job, it was too scary. When our bank was bought and they eliminated my department I was one of 3 people they decided to keep. I begged the big boss to find a way to lay me off as well (I still couldn’t quit and I wanted the 8 month severance), he set me free and I never looked back.

Even though I was laid off from my banking job I only officially enjoyed one month off before taking a temp position at a local university. I have never really not worked since I was 18 years old. Now, because of cancer and all the bullshit in that package and the physical nature of being a Massage Therapist, I have had to force myself to work very little to not at all. When, like me, you have a low sense of self-worth, it is a challenge to surrender to the limitations. I have always based my value on what I do, if I don’t do anything than what am I good for? I know I am not alone in this attitude and realize that it is not healthy, trust me I have been working on this for quite awhile.

Before my diagnosis I was needed. I had a purpose that was very clear, people came to me to help them feel better or to assist them to be able to move with more ease and potentially avoid injury in their jobs or athletic endeavors. My career was/is/will someday be again (hopefully) rewarding. I love practicing massage and am lucky enough to have built a clientele over the years that I love as well. This being said, I have had to let what I was go and trust fall into the unknown. Who will I be? Who am I now? I don’t know but I am willing to find out. There is no going back.

Until next time ❤️

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