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It’s not me, it’s you...

I wrote awhile ago about words and how they can be harmful. One of the inspirations for that post was my surgeon. I had tried to convey to them that being given the worst case scenario, 0-60 nuclear, no hope, you might as well give up now options just didn’t work for me. I actually used my words face to face and they had nodded like they understood. Every appointment I had with this person gave me extreme anxiety. This person is highly skilled in their field and has a heart, I can tell this but there are some people that just cannot last together in a relationship, not a “Ross and Rachel”, more like a “Joey and Rachel” without the forced, sexy cuteness. Doomed from the start.

I have had an abscess wound on my butt since January 2nd. After 2 surgeries it was almost 9cm deep, that is significant. I will tell you, don’t do this! Ha! This is not an easy thing to make better even if you aren’t compromised. In order to allow the wound to heal from the inside out and to let the puss keep flowing, along with packing it with gauze twice a day, there was a drain installed into the wound. I also received radiation to shrink up the rectal tumor allowing the abscess area to have a healing chance. A CT scan has been scheduled for mid April, I have solely been looked after by home health nurses for months.

When my specially trained wound care nurse evaluated me just recently, I told her that the drain was irritating my otherwise not painful at all wound. She concurred with my assessment and wanted to take out the apparatus that is normally kept in the body for no longer than a month but she had to have this approved by my surgeon... 🙄😳😬

I heard the voice on the other end of the phone as my nurse was quietly listening “She has cancer, the wound is NEVER going to heal...” I started to cry, I wasn’t surprised that they would say that, I was just frustrated and my nurse pat my back as she continued to try and convince the doctor to allow her to do what she deemed best. I realized that my surgeon hadn’t asked about how the wound

was doing at all, they had already decided my outcome and though the odds were/are daunting they are not impossible and I cannot work with someone who isn’t willing to be open, flexible AND willing to be wrong. Also, my butt is a bit uncomfortable...YOU live with a plastic tail sewn in with hard sutures that are causing inflammation in your honey badger and tell me how you like it!

Anyway, I made a decision to be moved to a different surgeon, this was hard as I don’t like to quit anything including people. I didn’t actually want to hurt their feelings, which is kind of funny since I am the one shedding all of the tears, though who am I to assume they don’t do the same, I can only speak for myself but I finally realized how dysfunctional this relationship was and I had to remove myself from it. After I sent the email to the person in charge of coordinating my cancer experience asking for a different surgeon I felt sick. You complain in a restaurant they may spit on your food, you complain about a surgeon...There have been horror movies about this I am sure.

I decided to make a silly video incorporating “Crazy Hat Monday” and celebrating my body feeling better and having way more energy even during this weirdly dark time. You have to have fun and be silly even during times of mourning, it is oxygen for the soul.

Stay gold Ponyboys, girls and theirs 😘

Until next time

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