It’s not about winning or losing, this is not a game.
A sentiment that I hear or read regarding people with cancer is often something related with sports or war such as “You are going to win!” Or “They kicked cancer’s ass!” As well as “They lost their battle…” It can be a bit of a mind fuck when you are going through such things, making one think that they must be doing something wrong because they are failing at “beating” their cancer. I have heard numerous stories of those who’s disease was completely cured after one round of chemo or from ingesting some sort of tea or dog de-wormer and though I am happy that someone was able to cure their disease these stories can also make me feel like…Well, a loser. Before I got sick I was relatively healthy, I got regular massages, acupuncture and chiropractic work, I ate pretty good and I had a job that I loved. Basically I was doing all of the “right” things. When I started having symptoms after my mom died, I cut out alcohol, became a vegetarian, kept up getting therapies including seeing an amazing herbalist, cut my sugar intake and took up pole dance. In a way I was healthier than ever but it was like bailing water out of a hole laden row boat. Fast forward to my diagnosis and despite what the doctors said I thought “I am going to heal this, give me 6 months, hold my beer.” Almost 3 years later I am alive though still dealing with cells that decided to go rogue, a situation that has made me wonder what I have done wrong. Of course we all have thoughts that are not really true, they are fleeting feelings or negative echos that can have the volume turned up simply because we don’t feel good. I have always looked at my cancer as an imbalance rather than an invader or monster, cells that decided to do their own thing, not realizing that they could ultimately kill their planet (doesn’t that sound familiar?)
Now that I am feeling so much better than I have in years I have mixed emotions of joy, guilt and fear. The joy is understandable but the guilt? I want to feel better and ultimately heal my body but there are so many people that don’t survive this and they were not losers…There’s my codependency again, in this way I want everyone to get through this unscathed but that is not for me to determine, I can only be in charge of myself and even that is not so easy. The fear comes from feeling better, when you have felt bad for so long the ease of that hardship is such a gift, a reminder of what it feels like to not be pulled down into the depths of blah and pain…I don’t want to sink into the abyss again though I brace for it…That thinking is messed up, I do know this, though dealing with serious health issues can cause a trauma or a sort of PTSD, like a person in a physically abusive relationship waiting for the next blow. Like I said earlier, this is all a bit of a mind fuck.
I am continuing to feel better and closer to normal, or as normal as I ever can be 😜. I realize some of my sentiments are heavy and can be perceived as negative but I am still very optimistic about my own situation. As I have said many times, none of us are getting out of this alive but nobody wants to succumb to the ravages of cancer as well as many other diseases. I personally want to be as vibrant as possible until I cease to exist, even more so now as I taste the potential wellness that could be.
Side note: I don’t want to shit on people who are supportive and say things about kicking the ass of cancer, support is so important and a part of the medicine and I get the love behind the message, I would just like to change the narrative and steer it away from a game or war analogy but that’s just my personal opinion.
Until next time ❤️
Here’s a link to my latest karaoke jam 4 weeks into my clinical trial: