I walk the line and sometimes I am fine.

I don’t know why my blog post title sounds like I am The Dr. Seuss of cancer… Maybe it will be my new project, my first book could be called “The Cat Scan In The Hat.” Not counting the day after I thought it was a good idea to eat a whole can of vegetarian chili 😳 (side note: just because you feel you are able to eat 2 servings of beans and tofu after not being able to ingest enough calories to sustain a consistent weight in a month does NOT mean you should.) Let’s just say I had a lump in my left side that did not move for an entire day as I full body rocked holding a heat pack to my abdomen trying to get my digestion to catch up. It can be quite disheartening having a shitty day (or in my case, a horribly constipated day) after a day in which I felt close to normal, I had even mowed my front yard…It often feels like a backslide when this happens, an invitation to my new unwanted house guest “depression,” it’s hard not to let that douche in sometimes but at least I can recognize it when it shows up.

The season has changed pretty dramatically here, it feels as if Winter is chomping at the bit to take it’s turn. I have always enjoyed the seasons changing but since cancer and quarantine times the darkness can feel mildly ominous to me, an indicator that I have to focus my attention even more internally, the weight of which is like a heavy blanket forcing me to be still at times and do the work I need to, especially when there is no sun to distract me. In the darkness there can be healing but this doesn’t necessarily mean unicorn and rainbows, it’s more like energetic vomit in the shape of torrential tears and rage, not to mention shame and unworthiness, there can be a lot of that. I feel the feelings and try and ease them out of my body, this is work I did before I fell ill and thankfully I did, internal housecleaning is never done as there are always cobwebs and emotional dust bunnies that have been missed, my energetic basement has been a bit of a disaster but there is hope for me yet.

I have been fine tuning my pictures for the coloring story book we are hoping to have available to the public soon, it’s a lot of work and as I go over my drawings I worry they are not good enough, self doubt whispering in my ear “Who do you think you are?” I love what I have created but it’s a vulnerable feeling to share my art, I practice by sending pics of what I have done to some of my close friends and their words are encouraging but still, they love me and are kind…I will get over it, everyone does not need to love it, this IS happening regardless of my deep insecurities, ha!

I am actually hungry right now, a good sign that I am going to follow.

Until next time ❤️