We ate mashed potatoes and turkey, visited with family, played some music and walked on the Astoria riverfront. We spent 5 days at a home away from home and now I lay on my couch exhausted. The drive back was mildly daunting navigating a bit of snow and other reckless drivers. My butt wears me out with the discomfort in the car so the sofa calls to me like a siren does to sailors in the sea. I am resting from too much resting, ha! I hope someday I won't feel so lazy but at least this kind of tired is manageable and not the fatigue that would plague me before.
It is almost December and for the first time in years it doesn't feel too overwhelming, at least not so far. Am I really coming out of the dark forest that I have been dragging myself through? The residual wounds and ooze remind me that I am not done healing but at least my feet feel more or less solid under me, this trial drug has literally given me life. I am closing in on a year taking this study drug and I am stable as far as the cancer is concerned. I wish it would completely go away but for now it is a squatter living rent free and stealing water and electricity.
I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon on Thursday and though this is my least favorite appointment after CT scans, I will be curious what he thinks. I have to prepare myself for his words though, surgeons have a way of saying things that are scary, even if they don't really know the facts. I am not sure if that makes sense if you don't have experience with slicer and dicers but basically I have noticed that if they can't resolve an issue they perceive said issue to be unresolvable and therefore make predictions that can be perceived as quite ominous. My oncologist has a way of poo pooing these statements that I relay to her but still...I have to weather the initial blow with a smile and a "Really? I guess I will just have to ask my oncologist about that." It's exhausting really, having to defend my body to those in authority with god complexes, even the more empathetic ones...Just thinking about the appointment makes my heart beat in my ears and throat, I want this cancer to go away so I can get off of this train. You're probably sick of hearing about it, I know I am.
I will leave you with a couple pictures from our weekend.
Until next time ❤️