I saw my oncologist yesterday. I have had days where I could eat more food but I haven’t consistently gotten in enough calories and my doctor wanted me to gain 2 pounds…I asked her medical assistant if it looked like I had gained the weight, I had worn my heavy boots and was flirting with not taking them off for the weigh in but I decided to be truthful, he told me I looked good but that I did not look heavier at all and I had in fact lost 5 pounds for a total loss of 13 pounds in a month. I would have loved this news when I was 15 and decided to try anorexia for a summer, living on Pepsi and pickles until my body had enough and made me start dry heaving in the morning if I didn’t eat real food by a certain time. I am glad I wasn’t good at an eating disorder then for sure.
As a person who has always been built big, strong and at times fluffy, this is a weird mind game. There is a part of me that is giddy at the fact that I am thinner than my body wants to be which is fucked up, a ghost feeling from that 15 year old. The other side of me wants to knock some sense into the other half, “We need protein to heal idiot! It’s not cute when your leggings are loose.” The indoctrination of what the female body should look like goes deep and it’s super weird because I barely look in the mirror these days.
I was hoping to go visit a good friend in Denver but I would have had to move my immunotherapy to the following week my doctor said she did not want me to delay treatment, she wants to get momentum as the infusion works slower than traditional chemo, and she couldn’t believe I would be willing to fly right now “Throw me under the bus, I don’t want you to go.” I reminded her she wasn’t the boss of me but I could see the logic in what she said. Disappointed, I texted my friend with the news.
I was prescribed Ativan for my anxiety that has become intertwined with nausea, a weird cycle that I long to break. This morning when I woke up I actually felt good and that continued, which was fun!
Oops! I fell asleep mid blog again! Stay on target Picante.
A half a pill of Ativan is kicking in and I am really trying to stay awake for this, ha!
I prefer cannabis but I needed something to help with my anxiety right now and it works. I actually woke up this morning and I felt good, as in normal person good, I feel this is progress. I was able to eat more meals which I consider a win.
I better go before my phone falls on my face every time I doze off for a second
Until next time.❤️